Every journey has to start somewhere, doesn’t it? Well, over a year ago, I made the decision to buy a house, rather than fighting to rent something that would not be mine. Blah blah blah. When I first saw the house I ended up buying, my thought was, adequate. I figured we would live here maybe three years. No more than five. I had a lot of other plans and intuitions about things at that time. Mostly concerning a man I would meet, and date, and marry. A man I have since chosen to by-pass all together.
I saw the house and was mildly disappointed, but not overly so. It fit enough of my criteria. I saw it for what it was, a fixer upper barely fixed up to put on a good face. I was happy, enough. It would be disingenuous to say that this house has not been a godsend this past year, during so many trials and upheavals in our life. We are very lucky to have this house. We are grateful.
Now, the house is fine. We are doing a rent to own deal in regards to the mortgage, because that is the only way I could manage things on my own without a great deal of paperwork I didn’t have, not having worked outside the home in so long. The deal there is the mortgage holder is responsible for the maintenance and general upkeep of the physicality of the house itself. I will not go into details, mostly because at this point I find it very tedious, and not worth my time. Needless to say, I have reached my limit for tolerance. I am done.
Originally, the plan was to live here a couple years, then sell the house, recoup anything at all maybe, but move out and be happy. Under the current conditions, there is no way I can sell this house as it is. I have no intentions of doing so. I plan to give the house back, legally and without malice, once I move. Not long after I moved in, I had an intuitive friend tell me I would only be here for a year, if that, maybe a little more. I didn’t believe her when she said it. Since that time, I have made other choices that show that she was correct in her assessment. My assessment was based on outdated data. I am actually fine with that.
I have spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out what I want and where I want to go and how I should get there. Basically, I have spent a great deal of time chasing my tail and accomplishing nothing at all. I have allowed too many other things into my consciousness that have kept me from focusing on what is going on with me, what is best for me, what is best above all else for my family. My family is the one most important thing in my life. My family is my world. They always come first.
I had a very interesting day today. I spent too much of the morning being angry and upset and off-balance, which I have been for several weeks anyway, due to a loss in the family. I started to write this afternoon. I emailed a couple friends whom I trust very much. I began to work things through in my head, by putting pen to paper. I started to catch a glimpse of the dilemmas I have been undergoing lately, the ones I have chosen to ignore and thrust aside. After I wrote my first piece, I went back and wrote something different. More of the same, yes, but also different, more involved, deeper delving.
All because I had a dream the night before that I was standing in front of the dig tree and out of nowhere lightning struck the tree. As the tree exploded into billions of toothpicks and wooden straws, in my dream, I saw myself gathering up different bits and pieces. In my dream, I would pick up a piece of debris, examine it, ponder it, decide to keep it or lay it aside. I didn’t understand at the time what the shards meant. After writing today, I gained a bit more insight. I am still not completely clear. All I know at this time is I have chosen a path and the Universe is definitely with me.
The Universe. I have been getting these little pushes lately. Yesterday was full of bigger pushes. Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back as far as this house is concerned. Today, as I was vacillating between ideas and thoughts and everything else, the Universe kept giving me signals, kept pushing me in certain directions. The Universe made certain with deadly accuracy that I understood I am fully supported.
This is more than being about dreaming bigger dreams. This is about reclaiming who I am, who I am becoming, and making her mine.
When I bought this house, I lived under the gloom and guise of network job that kept me bound and gagged and miserably struggling to believe in anything at all, much less achieve anything. Now, I work for myself. Now there are no bonds, no gags, no misery. Now there is trust and faith and joy. This house has outgrown its usefulness. I am no longer the person who bought this house, who accepted its inadequacies and imperfections as par for the course.
I am a new woman, still on a journey, only now just awakening. I am no longer content to make excuses for things I have no desire to cover up or anything else. I am no longer liking the feeling of being limited, or of the reasons I bought this house, or of anything else. I proved my point. I bought my own house. I have made it on my own for nearly a year in said house. I have bested the ex in every way I said I would. Now, I am doing better than he is. Any way you look at it. Now it is time to let go of the fears he has held me to—that I have allowed him to hold me to all this time.
As I sat there in my computer chair this afternoon, thinking without thinking, which is a talent of mine, I saw in my mind’s eye this red door. The picture was so clear that I went online and found a picture almost exactly like that door. So I could basically reach out and just touch it whenever I felt the need to do so.
After I found that door, I worked on transcribing a story I had written by hand a couple weeks ago, about Hestia and a tray that I painted and dedicated as part of Her altar. As I typed out this story, doors opened in my mind. I heard the voices speaking to me. I saw the light at the end of my tunnel. Just as everyone had been telling me all along during the day. The angels spoke to me. The spirits cajoled me. Hestia Herself took me by the hand and led me down a path. I picked up a paper and saw the avenue of my hope and my destiny. There is a way out of this. I can do this. I know not how, but I know I can do it. I know I can and I know I will.
Hestia told me it is time for me to move on. She said to me that she and I shall journey together as we find a new home, as we create a real space and a good life for this family. It may take a bit of work. It may take a bit of time. But I stand among the blessed and it shall come to pass. Patience is a virtue and I shall be rewarded.
I am looking to buy a new house. I am looking to move. Even if I end up renting. I am looking to move. By or before December, we shall be in our new domicile.
This time, there shall be no compromise, no settling. This time, we will find and make a real home, where no outsiders can ever interfere with our tranquility.
Posted by KnittingJourneyman 
