What Has Happened To My Soul Voice?

What happened to my soul voice?  What did happen to my soul voice?  Did my soul ever have a real voice in this lifetime?

Where did I learn to swallow my voice, to keep it inside, to allow myself no genuine expression?  When did I not only stop talking to others, but also to myself?

I know as a child I was to be seen and not heard, or terrible consequences would follow.  Terrible things often happened when I was neither seen nor heard, but that is another matter all together.

As a child among my peers, I may have been the joking laughing one, but it was mainly out of fear.  No one ever really heard the real me.  Or if they did, they didn’t listen.  Not to the real me.

I have spent my life, it seems, teaching people to reach into themselves, to honor themselves, to speak their own truths, but what have I done for me?

It took me too many years, too many men, bad relationships, well fine, two extremely horrible relationships that encompassed more of my entire life than I care to admit.

It took having children, not one but two, to rip my voice from my throat in defense of them.  Yet that was not my true soul voice.  That was the protective mama bear voice, defending her cubs from danger and harm.

I had to endure years of hatred and anger, not only at others, but at myself as well.  I had to battle my way through, fighting myself more than any other, blaming myself when I should have stood up to others.  I cried my way through the pain and the hurt and everything else.  I wallowed in fear.  It swept me up and over and swallowed me whole.  I had to learn to let go, let go, let go.  Trust in the Universe until I could trust in myself.

I am just now coming to that point where I am becoming able to have faith in myself, to believe in myself, to actually trust myself, my gut, my intuition, for myself.

It takes many years, or at least it has for me, to find that lost soul voice.  Having gone on unused for so many years, the only thing I can do now is slowly build up my voice again, until I can sing out loud, belt out a melody and bellow across the stars.

I am working my way there, one day at a time.  That’s all I can tell you for sure.